Conan O’Brien’s Dartmouth Graduation Speech
I got this message in my inbox in early May.
Very cool. So how did Conan do? Apparently, he was hilarious.
Here are a few Conan quips:
- On studying habits: When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of ‘Call of Duty,’ and then opened my browser.
- On Jay Leno: "And one of the reasons it’s so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won’t come back.
- On Tim Geithner: You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college. Meredith Grey of Grey’s Anatomy. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward to next years’ Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula. Of course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what you’re going to say, Dartmouth, you’re going to say, well "We’ve got Dr. Seuss." Well guess what, we’re all tired of hearing about Dr. Seuss.
- On ‘The Conan Doctrine’: Winston Churchill gave his famous ‘Iron Curtain’ speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963,” said Conan. “Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it ‘The Conan Doctrine.’ Under "The Conan Doctrine": – All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master’s degrees. All master’s degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.
Well done! One thing though: On fictional Dartmouth characters, Conan forgot the Harrison Ford character in Working Girl (can’t forget the Harrisons)! Here’s the video.
P.S. – George H. W. Bush was in the house too to pick up an honorary degree.